Saturday, October 10, 2009

Movie Review: "Megafault" - Mega Stupid

So once in a while Hal and I have nothing better to do and end up watching the Saturday night Scifi (now SyFy) movie on the same named TV channel. This one stars Eriq LaSalle, of ER fame and some female whose lips seem over botoxed. This movie is BAD. It reeks. it is beyond stupid. And we're not even going to get into the poor CGI.

An earthquake starting in West Virginia devastates Washington D.C. where a botoxed seismologist (BS) is giving a speech while her daughter and husband watch. She races in a helicopter to WVA where Eriq's character is a miner blowing up mountains that look suspiciously like the Rockies and is now buried in a sandy crater. She and the burly copter pilot rescue him.

In the meantime the USAF sends her family home in a C-130 because all commercial planes will be grounded since a new fault is racing west from WVA. All the airport control towers in the midwest are broken so all of the planes are "flying blind!" Apparently, GPS and pilots looking out of windows has been conveniently forgotten by the writers.

Eriq and BS then race in the copter to KY to save his mom, but too late, the new quake has hit and blown up the very gas pipeline in her street and destroys his mom's house. Then the shrapnel somehow hits the wing of the C-130 way up there in the sky and takes it out. Only the dad and daughter survive and are picked up by a trucker driving a gasoline tanker that looks suspiciously like a dirt hauler. Of course, the quake chases them and the Alaska pipeline, which seems now to run through the midwest right next to this trucker's road starts exploding, sets the tanker of fire and dad has to crawl outside and release the tanker from the cab.

While this tense tanker truck action is leaving us breathless, Eriq blows up an outhouse to distract the chopper pilot who rushes to put the fire out with his handy dandy fire extinguisher and Eriq and BS steal the chopper to find her family.

But then the air force forces them to land in Kansas where the general tells her of the super secret ice quake satellite weapon (used to destroy the enemy from beneath) but now will be used to stop the quake at the Grand Canyon. SB must tell them where to fire the ice laser.

But wait, it gets more ludicrous.

The military keeps giving BS priority to find her family so they put her in an Osprey "the world's fastest helicopter" but then, of course, first must rescue a family in an RV, the only people apparently driving across the midwest, and risk being in the laser's line of fire, etc. Of course, they survive, narrowly, but then not only do they not stop the quake, they just sent it north toward Yellowstone's buried super volcano caldera! Now Earth is threatened by an "extinction event"! So now Eriq, the great miner he is, must create a new Grand Canyon between the fault and the caldera to stop all hell breaking lose.

Next, a long, drawn out, bad CGI depiction of 20 million (??) tons of explosive making this new canyon (where the hell is the dirt and rock actually going? I didn't know the Earth was hollow! As Eriq and BS race away in a jeep while yet another helicopter chases them with a rope lowered towards them (that can only save one of them, of course), Eriq sacrifices himself because his rear wheel gets stuck in a rut and is sucked into the "Newer Grand Canyon". BS finally makes it to Denver (by car, apparently, the copter couldn't take her the whole way?) where the quake, has destroyed their home after her husband and daughter get there. After much shouting and crying and gnashing of teeth, they are found unscathed (oh there should have been slow motion when they ran toward each other!) The camera pans away inot orbit showing that the new earthquake fault was just the other side of their yard and crosses 1/3 of the United States.

The End

I forgot to mention the best part! The people near Yellowstone have their feet, hands and heads suddenly erupt into flames from the heat of the caldera. Such stunning visual effects!

Can I stand the wait till next Saturday?!!


Anonymous said...

Thank you! It's nice to know I'm not the only person on this planet rolling around in disgust at this blatant piece of fecal matter the "SyFy" channel tried to foist off on us as "science fiction."

Next thing you know, they'll be trying to make us watch wrestling.

Er, wait a stinkin' minute...

Anonymous said...

I don't get it. How can a channel that aired/airs amazing shows like Battlestar Galactica and Eureka then turn around and produce this steaming pile!!!! Unbelievable!

Anonymous said...

i just liked the part when the yellowstone volcano starts making things burst into flame and melt. it made me burst out laughing when that one woman with the implants melted nice rack though.